This week my evil twin Veronica decided to throw caution to the wind and skip the Tarot reading altogether. Instead, she’s giving you a quiz to help you answer the one question that probably keeps you up at night: am I a terrible person? Let Veronica decide…
- There is no greater pleasure than _________________
a. Farting in the grocery store
b. Skipping out of work early to go home and masturbate
c. Reading Tony Robbins books
- The one thing you miss most about your last job was ____________
a. The malicious gossip
b. Hot sex fests in the file room with the newest intern
c. Being part of a really top-notch Team! Because you’re a “team player”
- When you get together with a good friend for coffee, you usually _____________
a. Stuff your faces with cinnamon buns and talk shit about everyone you both know
b. Give him/her a voracious play by play of the last time you banged someone
c. Ask them how their kids are and listen attentively
- You call in sick to work because ______________
a. You have better shit to do
b. You wanted to sleep in, fap and then spend all afternoon watching porn
c. Ummm, you never call in sick. It isn’t fair to the other people at work.
- Every Christmas you make a special point to ____________
a. Buy yourself lots of stuff
b. Put on a tinsel g-string and go grind on some poor, hapless shopping mall Santa
c. Volunteer at a homeless shelter
- On your fridge, you display ____________
a. Unpaid parking tickets – they make you laugh!
b. All the dick pics you’ve ever been sent
c. Positive quotes like “It Takes More Muscles to Frown than it does to Smile” and “Keep Calm and Carry On”
- The glove box in your car contains _____________
a. Black leather gloves….for murdering people
b. Condoms, handcuffs, Vaseline – you know, the usual!
c. A First Aid kit and a map. Oh, and kleenex.
Tally Up Your Results!
Mostly A’s – Angel without a Cause
Wow! You are BAD-ASS! Murdering people, talking smack about others, blowing off work because you don’t give a f*ck. You’ve got it goin’ on, and it’s hot. Boring, uptight people might think you’re terrible, but anyone cool knows better. You know what you want and you aren’t afraid to get it. And there’s nothing terrible about that. Keep it up, hot stuff!
Mostly B’s – Just a Pervert
You’re not a terrible person. You’re a sex addict. This means you provide riveting, sordid stories at ladies luncheons and you can spice up a boring wedding like no other. But there’s more to life than nailing hot interns, afternoon fapfests and laughing at penis photos. Or is there?
Mostly C’s – The Worst. Ever.
Well, I don’t know how to say this, but….you’re kind of a terrible person. Volunteering? Positive quotes? Tony Robbins?! WTF?! Seriously, you need help. I don’t want you anywhere near my cats. Oh god, I bet your couch is beige, isn’t it? ISN’T IT? It’s people like you who make this world a bland, depressing place. Just stay away…STAY AWAY!!!….Wait, that was unfair. I apologize. You need to go back over the quiz and study all the A answers and start putting them to practice in your daily life. I will make a decent human being out of you yet….