Veronica’s homemade gift guide

veronica 2

International Woman of Leisure by day, whipcracking Tarot Reader by night! Veronica is my evil twin and she’s here to give you some practical gift giving tips, while coming off as incredibly shallow and

ace of wands robin wood

Robin Wood Tarot

So today’s Tarot card is Ace of Wands – take a gooood look at it….

And instead of writing about dicks, I’m going to talk about crafts. That’s right – crafts.

The Ace of Wands is all about getting inspired and creating stuff. So get your ass down to your local craft shop, like right this f*cking minute.

I love shopping at Micheals because I am always the sexiest person in there…and that’s not saying much.

 

This Christmas don’t go to the shitty mall to buy gifts – that place sucks. Make your own. Be self sufficient for once.

Here is my ultimate homemade Christmas gift list – for ALL the nimwits on your list this year:

The Stressed out Mom or Workaholic

Everyone knows someone who gives too much or works too much and never relaxes. It’s an illness. This person needs aromatherapy bath salts. Will they actually take some time out for a hot bath and use these? No. But that’s their fucking problem.

cleanse

Ingredients: Epsom Salts (Costco has huge containers of this really cheap), essential oils of choice, glass mason jars, ribbons and that kind of shit.

  1. fill a large bowl with salts, add essential oils and mix. I usually just freestyle it, but you can probably find exact recipes online. Figure it out.
  2. Put smelly salts into mason jars and decorate with ribbons and bows. Voila!


Your Boss

Let’s be honest – your micromanaging boss probably doesn’t even deserve a gift from you this year. So have fun with this and make him an expressive collage painting.

Cut out pics of tampons and celebs from magazines and crazy personal ads in the back of the paper and paste them onto a piece of cardboard along with bits ofΒ  fabric and colored papers. Smear some paint around it and insist he hang it in his office.

This gift works great for inlaws, too.

The Cool Person in your life

It could be a lover, a best friend or even yourself. This person deserves something edgy and unique, something that NO ONE ELSE will ever buy them.

They deserve the Veronica Noir workbook Your Alter Ego Revealed!

Packed with funsheets, quizzes and delightful drawings of cats, feather boas, cupcakes and of course me, Veronica! Part coloring book, part playbook, part journal, this will make the perfect gift for anyone on your list who isn’t a major douche.

Get it HERE!

 

Everyone else

Who doesn’t like to stuff their faces with tasty treats? Well, anorexics and health freaks – so give them the bath salts.

A tin of homemade cookies is a classic gift. Use GMO flour and refined sugar for the people you secretly hate but still need to give a gift to for social reasons.

And if you’re really lazy, just stuff the tins with storebought cookies. Fuck it.

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12 Responses to Veronica’s homemade gift guide

  1. Mindee says:

    This is hysterical!!! I recently got on your e-mail list, but everything was going to my trash file and I didn’t know it! So glad I dug all your e-mails out and am now having a great laugh going through them all!! LOVE THIS! This is a keeper for whenever I’m feeling stressed and need a laugh! πŸ™‚

  2. Michael says:

    Brilliant πŸ™‚

  3. Debra Morgan says:

    Veronica is my kind of woman and I love the language, fuck is sometimes the only word!

    Thanks for the ideas, Veronica merry Christmas get smashed on me! I will buy!

  4. jimbo says:

    I keep thinking, the more sincere the giver acts the funnier it gets!

  5. jimbo says:

    Ha Ha- Laughed my head off trying to picture a boss’s reaction to receiving a tampon collage, I’d love to see it happen! brilliant, I’m still laughing…thanks Veronica/Kate πŸ˜€

  6. On Santa's Naught List says:

    I am totally putting store bought cookies in a tin this year. No shame here! They should count themselves lucky I am even bothering to put it in a tin lol.

  7. Shannon says:

    Awesome post! I am literally laughing out loud. Thanks!

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