The Worst Kind of Person

Veronica Noir is my deeply disturbed, Tarot reading twin. She is here to spice up your life with her bad advice…

Osho Zen Tarot

You know what disturbs me more than anything?

More than fascism, more than ice cream cakes and even more than texting?

People who get up early…on purpose.

Do you ever notice how these people are always more productive, happy and successful than you?

They are also more annoying and unlikeable.

In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever met an early riser I didn’t clash with. They always seem to be hardworking, dependable and polite – the worst type of person!

So if you want to avoid turning into one of these assholes, start brushing up on your sleeping in skills!

The Art of the Sleep In (in 4 easy steps!)

  1. Stay up ridiculously late, doing something frivolous like watching make-up tutorials on YouTube or fapping to pics of hot guys with kittens.
  2. Consume vast quantities of drugs and alcohol. Martinis and weed work nicely for me. But if you’re “in recovery” or just not into the drugs and booze scene, make yourself a big mug of Sleepytime tea and hit that shit hard!
  3. Get your snack on. Cheese, chips, cookies, you name it. Eating late is hard on your liver because it overloads it with glucose right when it’s trying to rest. This creates a sluggish, lazy effect on your body which helps you sleep in later. You’re welcome!
  4. Don’t set an alarm. Alarms are for try-hards with careers and responsibilities. You’re cooler than that, right? RIGHT?
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4 Responses to The Worst Kind of Person

  1. Erica says:

    Unintentional “early bird”….it. just. happens. For some idiotic reason my body thinks that I need to sleep from 7pm-3:30/4am…..then have a nap from 11am-1pm (or 2pm..or 2:30…). It’s like I’m a 3 year old. Because I’m not 3 I do not go to bed when my body says to because I rebel against the idea of going to bed so early. I still get to do nada until someone else is up…….which can be as late as 10am or 11am. So that’s 6 hours of lazy me-time I can have if I want it. 😀 And if everyone else is doing nothing productive late night why should I try to be productive in the morning? I read and drink tea and do what I please for a long time in the morning. I deserve it. And no one is up to bug me.

    • Okay Erica, you’re forgiven. Only because you use your morning time to be lazy though. If you’d said you spend those hours training for a marathon and writing the next Great American Novel, I’d have to hit you 😉
      Just kidding, I’m super jealous. I’ve tried to be a morning person…but I can’t.

  2. James Bulls says:

    What’s the point of being a self-employed Tarot reader if I can’t stay up late, eat ice cream before bed, and sleep in a weekday? And if you’re curious, yeah – that’s what I did last night: I had half a (small) tub of Haagen Daz vanilla / chocolate almond ice cream while laying in bed. I didn’t even take it back to the fridge myself – I asked my 9-y/o step-daughter to do it for me. I’m so lazy. It’s glorious.

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