housewives tarot

Tarot Reading for Sept 26 – Oct 2

I am soooooo excited that October is just around the corner! This is one of my favorite months and this deck – the Housewives Tarot – is one of my favorite decks. I don’t use it super often, but when I do its always really sassy!

As always, you are cordially invited to share your own thoughts, ideas and interpretations in the comments below…..

Have a fantastic week!
xoxo
Kate

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Right Choices, Thong Choices

veronica 2Veronica is my slutty talking evil twin. She reads Tarot, writes dirty novels and is an all round rebel. I let her have free reign on my blog on Fridays and here is what she penned for you….

five of cups (2)
Housewives Tarot

You know how when you wear thong underwear you just can’t stop thinking about your ass crack all day long?

And don’t you think it’s ironic that in trying to make your underwear invisible to others, you end up becoming hyper aware of it yourself?

Because how can you ignore something that’s wedged between your butt cheeks? You can’t. It’s not possible.

I bet if you had to store everything you were trying to hide from the world in your butt crack, you would be a lot more authentic!

Anyways, the woman in this Five of Cups is totally pissed because she’s spilled good booze all over her crimson frock. And like any other problem – a chipped tooth, a broken nail or a massive wedgie – her mind is going to focus on that martini stain all. night. long.

Here’s the thing: shit happens. Your boy toy spills his drink on you, you wear thong underwear for some dumb reason, you mow someone over with your convertible. That’s life. But do you really need to dwell on it for the rest of your day? No. You don’t.

Give your hair a flip and move on with things. Pick the thong wedgie out of your crack. Or better yet…get rid of your undies altogether.

Panties are for wimps anyway.

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Seven of Swords: “we should get together for coffee!!!” and other lies…

veronica 2My evil alter ego Veronica Noir is here to kick some sense into you with her bitchy Tarot reading! Veronica was selfless enough to take a moment out of her busy day of pedicures, naps and boy-toying to write you this snippet of advice. So take it! Or else….

seven of swords
The Housewives Tarot

You know when you run into someone you haven’t seen for a while and they say “oooh, we should get together for coffee!” but you know they are totally lying?

Then you say something like “well, I’m free all this week and all next week. Morning, noon and night – I’m open!”

And they say “hmm, yeah I’ll facebook you….”

And then they don’t.

It’s because they never actually wanted to have coffee and “catch up” with you. They don’t give a fuck. They’re  just jerking off your ego out of misplaced politeness.

And let’s face it – we all jerk off each others egos out of misplaced politeness now and then. So here’s the deal. Stop saying things you don’t mean just so you can seem more amicable.

We all know you’re a total bitch anyway.

And stop giving a free pass to all those wankers in your life who act all nicey nicey when in reality they’d rather spend an afternoon plucking nipple hairs than drinking coffee with the likes of you!

 

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No Judgement? Veronica calls bull-sh*t!

veronica 2Veronica is my evil twin sister and Tarot reading queen. When she isn’t writing for my blog, she’s slinking around being sexy and mysterious and getting into mischief!

judgement
Housewives Tarot

Have you ever heard someone claim that they’re “non-judgemental” or say “No judgement!” after you catch them looking aghast when you introduce your three husbands?

Well, they’re lying.

Everyone with a brain judges. We’re all judgy Judge Judys, regardless of how hard we try not to be.

Judgement is how we discern the crap from the non-crap. It’s how we decide who we want to spend time with and who totally sucks.

So if you’ve been beating yourself up lately and judging yourself for being so judgmental of everyone around you….STOP!

You’re not judgmental, your discerning.

Trying to stop being judgemental is like trying to stop farting.

It’s a dishonest way to live.

In the comments below, tell me what judgements you’ll no longer feel guilty about having….

 

No Judgement? Veronica calls bull-sh*t! Read More »

“Balance” is for Yoga dorks. But “Variety” is for Sultry Strumpets!

fridays with veronicaVeronica Noir is a mysteriously delinquent Tarot reader who travels the world, diving with sharks and dancing on tabletops. Her advice is horrific at best, yet often surprisingly helpful. Let’s see what she has to say about Temperance

temperance
Housewives Tarot

Today’s card is Temperance and guess what? It’s not about “balance” like you thought it was.

Balance is for ninnies who feel smug when they do yoga and drink green juice out of mason jars with a straw.

This Temperance card is about mixing it up! It’s about variety! Out with the same old, same old, in with the new and different.

“Balance” is a twisted concept invented by stir-crazy moms who try to convince themselves that they can be satisfied with a life of carpooling, monogamy and quiet desperation if only they could walk 3 x week and drink more water.

But variety is the spice of every sultry strumpet’s life! And as you can see here, it takes all kinds of ingredients to make a cake….not just white flour and tears.

Unless you get to play a variety of different roles and sample an array of tasty delectables….well, you’re just not living!

So this weekend, mix things up. Do something different.

Indulge your alter ego for once and do what he/she wants to do.

 

“Balance” is for Yoga dorks. But “Variety” is for Sultry Strumpets! Read More »

Veronica tells you what “self love” really is…

fridays with veronicaVeronica is my evil, Tarot reading twin. She loves to write smut, travel the world and sun-tan topless in inappropriate places. Today she is taking a moment out of her hectic schedule of massages, lunches and napping to write you this bit of wisdom. So I hope you take her advice….

The Star
Housewives Tarot

You know what? You’re a STAR!

Why? You just are!

Now it’s time to celebrate yourself.

But not in a lame, sissy-pants way like taking a bubble bath or eating a piece of chocolate cake.

You should be doing that stuff anyway – as a regular  part of life.

Celebrate by taking yourself on a hot date.

Treat yourself to an exquisite lunch. Order copious amounts of champagne and things containing dairy, gluten and refined sugar – but wear one of those fancy-lady scarves so you can strategically camouflage your gut as you bask in hedonistic splendor!

Make sure you arm yourself with today’s newspaper and while your waiting for your food, scrawl a Hitler stash on everyone you don’t like the looks of. This will provide you with hours of divine amusement and laughter!

Ahhh, this is what “self-love” really feels like.

Tell me….how will you celebrate YOU this weekend?

Veronica tells you what “self love” really is… Read More »

Positive thinking? How about NOT.

fridays with veronicaVeronica is my evil alter ego/badass Tarot reading twin. She’s sassy, self-centered and ruthless….and somehow always gets away with it! When she’s not turning down charities and using the pages of self help books as toilet paper, she’s reading Tarot on this blog…

five of cups
Housewives Tarot

“You just need to think positively”

“Look on the bright side”

“Kick negative thinking to the curb!”

Have you ever heard the above phrases? Of course you have! You live in a time where “positive thinking” is shoved down your throat 24/7.

Well, my dear, today I will not say those awful things to you.

Today, I want to let you know that it is totally okay with me if you think…..NEGATIVELY!

Everything is going to shit for the woman in this Five of Cups card. Most of her drinks are spilled, her dress is wet, her hair is totally fucked. What on Earth does she have to be happy about? The two full glasses? Big deal.

If things aren’t working out for you today, you can always look on the bright side and stop yourself from spiraling down into the abyss of negativity. But why would you?

When a perfectly good opportunity for self-pity and whining presents itself, take advantage!

Everyone’s so tired and bored of chipper, positive people anyway. Your cranky bitching will feel like a fresh Spring breeze on a balmy Summer’s day.

In the comments below, tell me……what will you bitch & complain about this weekend?

Positive thinking? How about NOT. Read More »

Terrible Advice for Your Weekend…

fridays with veronicaVeronica Noir is my horrible alter ego. She reads Tarot Cards, writes dirty books and can make a mean cappuccino cheesecake! She loves giving shocking, offensive advice via this weekly blog…

five of cups
Housewives Tarot

Sometimes shit just doesn’t go your way.

But you always have the choice of rolling with it or digging in your heels and getting really, really pissed.

Personally, I like the second option best. Why does everything have to be positive, anyway?

Everyone’s always quick to say stupid shit like:

“look on the bright side!”

“every cloud has a silver lining!”

Fuck that. I like to revel in my misery.

So this weekend, if you feel grumpy, embrace it! Don’t try to run, don’t try to put a positive spin on it. Really immerse yourself in it. Play it for all its worth!

If you don’t allow yourself the decadent luxury of unchaperoned suffering from time to time, how will you ever know true happiness?

spreecast

Terrible Advice for Your Weekend… Read More »

friday

fridays with veronicaVeronica is my immoral other half. She is my wild and slutty evil twin/alter ego and when she isn’t travelling the world, doing nude yoga and slamming back martini’s, she’s dishing out Tarot wisdom for you right here…

the high priestess
Housewives Tarot

Today’s Tarot advice comes from The High Priestess.

She says “Shhhhhh….keep your secrets.”

This particularly applies to relationships of a romantic nature.

Certain marriage “experts” (cough, Dr. Phil, cough) will tell you that you must never keep secrets from your significant other and that true intimacy means sharing everything.

Yuck. No thanks.

If you want your life to have a certain robust, saucy flavour, you need to have some secrets.

So stop being so darn honest and “transparent” as the therapy-types like to say.

Don’t have any secrets? No problem! Create them. Take a young lover, start drinking in the daytime (if you don’t already) or stop wearing underpants.

You’ll be rocking that Mona Lisa smirk in no time!

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