tarot card meanings

“I Don’t Play Games” = B.S.

4 Comments / August 2016, Veronica Noir / /

VeronicaHappy Friday! Let me introduce you to my evil twin sister, Veronica. She lives to smear her bitchy attitude all over your mind and dish out her best advice. When she isn’t busy seducing everyone, day drinking in her backyard and doing nude kung fu, that is.

the high priestess
Housewives Tarot

While trolling online dating sites for young men last night, I kept seeing phrases like I don’t want to play games or no games, please.

You know what? I call bullshit.

Would a cat enjoy it if you threw a dead bird at its feet? Of course not. It wants to hunt, to play, to sink it’s teeth into something warm, pounding and alive!

When it comes to romance, not playing games is like being a dead bird. And no one wants to f*ck a dead bird, trust me.

But it got me thinking….everyone’s all like just be real, man and yeah! authenticity! and you know what? I don’t think that’s what anyone actually wants. Mystery is hot.

We’re on this earth to play games, to throw ourselves headfirst into the drama and to pretend we are something we are not – it’s the whole point of life!

So this weekend, don’t hold back. Play those games! Keep secrets! Flirt with inappropriate people! And watch your life become your very own reality TV show – when you’ve got your own drama, you won’t need shitty TV.

 

 

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Empathy doesn’t equal dipshit

9 Comments / July 2016, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2

Veronica Noir is my batshit crazy twin sister. She is just like me except she’s brilliant, has no sense of guilt or shame, speaks her mind and does whatever she wants, when she wants! Kind of like a psychopath….but with a heart of gold. Oh, and she also reads Tarot…

Queen of cups 2

Housewives Tarot

It’s okay to care about other people….

But don’t care about what they think of you.

Now reread that phrase because it’s important!

You can be a kind, caring, boring person AND go about your day without ever giving a flying fuck what other people think of you.

The Queen of Cups over here knows this shit. She knows it well.

She is compassionate, nurturing and really does care about people. But she sure as hell isn’t going to self-censor and pussy foot around town trying to be all P.C. and fit into the woodwork.

No. She lives her life her way and does it without feeling all guilty and shit.

Be like this Queen today and don’t make the mistake that you’ve probably been making all your life….telling yourself that you’re helping others by caring about what they think of you.

You’re not. You’re just failing to inspire them to live life on their own terms.

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Cheap thrills or Highbrow boredom?

2 Comments / July 2016, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2

Happy Friday! My evil, Tarot reading twin Veronica is here to tell you how to live your life. Seductress by night, Lady of Leisure by day, Veronica’s loves include gossiping about other people, judging other people, daytime drinking and sorting the recycling ALL WRONG!!!! Let’s see what advice she has for us today….

The Linestrider Tarot

by Siolo Thompson

Decisions, decisions! That is what the Two of Swords is all about.

Should you lay in your hammock and read War and Peace or some trashy Jackie Collins novel?

Do you make fillet mignon for dinner or eat a bag of chips and a Bloody Mary?

Will you watch The English Patient tonight or The Bachelorette?

Should you hump your banker or the pool boy? Or both?!

Sometimes it’s nice to take the path of least resistance. Great conversations, quality food and well written literature don’t always hit the spot.

Once in a while you need to slum it and consume some trash! So before you run off to read some boring Pulitzer prize winning novel “make love” to a scientist or something lame, make sure you ask yourself “is this really what I want right now?”

….your answer may disgust you!

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Start wasting people’s time!

4 Comments / July 2016 / /

veronica 2

Tsk, tsk! My evil alter ego Veronica has slept in again and is only getting around to writing this NOW – at noon on a friday! This better be good….

four of pents
The Linestrider Tarot by Siolo Thompson

Time is precious – especially yours. Yet corporations, governments and individual assholes constantly waste it.

I’m talking about complicated recycling rules, being put on hold and having to select bullshit options from a confusing robotic telephone menu, spam emails and of course…..telemarketers and scam callers.

The time has come to take back your power and start fucking with the system. Next time a telemarketer calls you, keep them on the line. Ask inane questions, pretend to be fascinated and if they sounds sexy, flirt a little – just see where it goes.

If a company pisses you off and wastes your time DO NOT get all huffy and threaten to withdraw your business – that’s classic whiny bitch stuff that doesn’t scare anyone. Remain a kind, polite client but become needy. Start asking for discounts and special perks – relax and have fun with it and see what happens.

If someone starts wasting your time but you turn it around and start wasting theirs, do you somehow get back your own precious time that’s been wasted? No. But you’ll be having way more fun!

And time spent enjoying oneself in nefarious ways is time well spent, indeed!

Here’s a great video that inspired me to write this post:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QdPW8JrYzQ

 

 

 

Start wasting people’s time! Read More »

“Transformation” is so 2012… but Death is forever cool!

7 Comments / June 2016 / /

VeronicaVeronica is my evil tarot reading twin. Each friday she graces us with her presence and offers up her best advice.

hezicos-tarot-death

Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin

Everyone wants “transformation”!

If you’ve ever been to a life coach’s website or even a new agey site, you will see the word “transformation” splattered all over it, like seagull crap on a pier.

But what IS “transformation”? Simple answer: DEATH!

Oh, so you want to “transform” your life? No, you want your old self to die off.

Do you want to “transform” your thinking? No, you want to murder your negative thoughts.

So why does everyone go around saying “blah blah blah, transformational, blah blah, bullshit, bullshit, blab”?

Because Death is the low effort option, whereas Transformation sounds like a lot of exhausting, hard work, which most average dumbfucks looooove. Or at least love to talk about.

So this weekend, ask yourself: “what old habits would l like to lay to rest?”

OR “what part of my life would l like to have a mini funeral for?”

OR “what aspects of myself would l like to violently shank to death and then forcibly reincarnate as something entirely different?” oh, wait, that sounds more like “transformation”. Nevermind!

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“Self Love”: Not Just a Euphemism for Masturbation

4 Comments / May 2016, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2

Veronica is my evil, Tarot reading twin. She loves to write smut, travel the world and sun-tan topless in inappropriate places. Today she decided to recycle one of her readings from last year because deep down she just knows you’re too blitzed to notice…

The Star

Housewives Tarot

You know what? You’re a STAR!

Why? You just are!

Now it’s time to celebrate yourself.

But not in a lame, sissy-pants way like taking a bubble bath or eating a piece of chocolate cake.

You should be doing that stuff anyway – as a regular  part of life.

Celebrate by taking yourself on a hot date.

Treat yourself to an exquisite lunch. Order copious amounts of champagne and things containing dairy, gluten and refined sugar – but wear one of those fancy-lady scarves so you can strategically camouflage your gut as you bask in hedonistic splendor!

Make sure you arm yourself with today’s newspaper and while your waiting for your food, scrawl a Hitler stash on everyone you don’t like the looks of. This will provide you with hours of divine amusement and laughter!

Ahhh, this is what “self-love” really feels like.

Tell me….how will you celebrate YOU this weekend?

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Being “nice”: the biggest sin of all

May 2016, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2

International Woman of Leisure by day, whipcracking Dominatrix by night! Veronica is my evil twin and she took a quick break from eating bon bons to write you this tidbit of tasty advice. So listen up and take notes!

Fairytale Tarot by Karen Mahony
Fairytale Tarot by Karen Mahony

Everyone loves a demanding bitch and don’t let any mamsy pamsy, pastel sweater wearer tell you otherwise.

Deluded people everywhere will say they just want to find a nice man or woman, but they don’t. They secretly long for a demanding jerk who will tell them what’s what.

Never underestimate the allure of a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask, or better yet demand!

Possibly the most heartbreaking moment in my entire life was when someone wrote “I think you’re really nice” on a farewell card for me. I was crushed. Where had I gone wrong?

So if you’re they type of person who doesn’t say anything when your in a restaurant and there’s a window open and it’s blowing a freezing cold breeze on your dainty toes…start speaking up and bitching about it.

If you’re the type of person who says “I’m good with whatever you want to do,” for fucksakes, STOP IT!!!! No one likes a wishy washy opinionless twat.

This weekend, say what you want. Bitch about something. Demand something. Have an opinion. And then sit back and watch as hot men everywhere fall at your feet.

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Laziness rarely leads to genocide

2 Comments / April 2016, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2Veronica is my nefarious Tarot reading twin who takes over my blog on Friday’s. She loves to write smut, travel the world and indulge in topless suntanning in inappropriate places. Today she is taking a moment out of her hectic schedule of massages, lunches and napping to write you this reading….

9 of pents
Morgan Greer Tarot

If you ever needed a good reason to be lazy, let me give you one.

All the world’s wars, genocides, atrocities, scientific horrors and environmental disasters are the result of over ambitious go getters who just couldn’t sit still and enjoy a fucking sunset.

And yet these industrious busy bodies get all the praise and ego stroking. Give me a break!

If the dipshit who built the atom bomb had thought “hmm….I think I’ll just lie in this hammock and listen to the birds” instead of getting all sciencey, we’d be living in a very different world.

Boring people say “oh, it’s greed that’s the underlying problem!” but they’re wrong, as usual. It’s the failure to enjoy being lazy that has got us into so much trouble.

What does this mean for you?

Don’t spend this weekend whizzing around doing stuff. Just chill. Sit in a bean bag chair and read dirty romance novels, stare at the clouds for hours or hang out on the deck and watch bugs – these are all high quality lazy activities that will enrich your life….and won’t destroy the planet.

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